Women are more than children
by Elisha Jones
Maternal instinct: the natural desire for a woman to become a mother. But what if you don’t have it?
Since the beginning of time women have had one main purpose in society: to have children and be caregivers for the family. But more women than ever are admitting that they don’t want children.
There are so many reasons as to why you would come to this decision. Maybe you don’t want the commitment, or the expenses. Maybe you like your independence; being the fun aunt sounds way more appealing; or you just don’t want to. All these reasons are completely valid and require one answer (“okay cool”) but unfortunately people often feel the need to voice an opinion.
Gender roles dictate that men and women should act, speak, and dress a certain way. Even in 2021, there’s a significant percentage of people who support traditional gender roles. This percentage includes people who believe that women be stay-at-home mums or, oh so generously, think women should work part time to prioritise the children.
Women’s careers can even be threatened by employers who fear they’ll end up taking time off to look after children. This is partly where our beloved 17.3% pay gap comes from.
Did you know? Thanks to the pay gap, a woman’s pay effectively stops at 300 days, compared to a man working in the same role. That’s how big the difference is between men and women’s typical pay.
The National Office of Statistics revealed that, since January 2020, more women are working than ever. The study shows that 72.3% of women are employed compared to 80.4% of men in the UK.
Forbes points out two reasons for this:
The pension age for women has risen, so more women over 60 are working.
Young women are choosing not to prioritise care-giving over their careers.
Women have always been put under massive pressure to be caregivers, mothers, and good wives - to the point where you’re looked at funny if you don’t want these things.
But it’s not the 50s anymore, and women don’t stay at home serving the men in the house all day. We have people living in space, orbiting the earth every 90 minutes for 21 years. So why does a woman who wants to live a child-free life deserve a slack jaw?
Personally, I’ve always been very open about my decision to not have kids or get married. Marriage and kids are expensive, I don’t want my body to change, I don’t want to only go on holiday during the most expensive time of the year (school holidays), and I don’t want to pee every time I laugh, (or sneeze or jump on a trampoline)!
I have personally been on the other end of a gobsmacked expression after proudly stating that I don’t want kids, but a look of surprise isn’t the worst response I’ve had.
When my sister and I were younger, she always had baby dolls and pushchairs and wanted to play ‘Mums and Dads’, but I was never really interested. I can see why, at 14, people might have told me: “you’ll change your mind when you’re older.”
But I still hear this refrain on a regular basis now, and it’s just demeaning.
An 8-year-old can say they want a big white wedding plus two boys and a girl (in that order)before they’re 25, and no one will bat an eyelid. Meanwhile, it’s okay for people to make £1000 bets that I’ll eventually change my mind on kids, saying things like “you’ll live a lonely, meaningless life”, and my personal favourite, “do you want to die alone?”.
Of course, I’m not the only person who has heard gruelling comments like this. A few people I know gave me their best quotes, including “but that’s what women are there for”, and “don’t you feel like it’s your responsibility as a woman?” Another woman I know was told she’s “selfish” and was asked “what if your husband wants children?”.
What makes any rational person think these are acceptable things to say to someone?
So, to help clear up the confusion, here are some things you should NOT say to someone who doesn’t want kids:
“How would your husband feel about that?” (this one just deserves a massive eye-roll)
“You’ll change your mind.” (yawn)
“But they were the best thing that ever happened to me! You’ll regret it.” (because apparently, we are all the same)
“Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
And next time someone inevitably asks me “why don’t you want kids?!”, here’s what I’ll say:
“I’m too competitive and a sore loser when it comes to games.”
“I’m worried about the environment and nappies and plastic toys don’t benefit the planet.”
Okay… now we can have some serious ones:
“I enjoy being independent and don’t want the responsibility”
“I have never had the urge”
“I already feel fulfilled in life”
Or just simply: “I just don’t want them!”
Being a mum is a dream for many women, but it isn’t for everyone. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, and it’s nobody’s business but your own if you decide not to have kids…
(Just maybe don’t post too many pictures of your cheap September holiday, nobody likes a show-off)
Title image by Liberty Antonia Sadler
