Top Trumps: Lockdown relationship edition
by Rose Collard
Lockdown 2.0 is nearly over, so what better time to get out the lockdown 1.0 Top Trump cards and have a good old laugh at how far (or not) we’ve all come. Hoping you can identify yourself in one of these 12, but if not that most likely means you’ve broken the rules at some point along the way. Happy Top Trumping!
1. The established couple (living together)
For these guys, lockdown is just another bridge to cross on their beautiful journey of life together. They’ve made it work through either long-distance, a job loss or a rocky patch, and so are feeling confident that they can take on Covid-19. Whether they make it out together is anyone's guess: all social media will tell you is that they’re living in wedded lockdown bliss.
Level of fed up: 2/10
Keenness to return to normal life: N/A - this is their new normal
Favourite lockdown activity: Instagramming their his and hers sourdough starters. Gardening. Pondering married life. Desperately missing their mates.
2. The established couple (not living together)
It was a tough call but shacking up with Scott’s three uni mates just wasn’t on the lockdown agenda for Katy. Likewise, Scott didn’t fancy three months with just Katy, her sister and a squat view of Clapham Common. They’re making it work though with a strict schedule of ‘spontaneous’ FaceTimes and ‘original’ date nights. If Scott keeps blowing off Katy for those house Fifa tournaments, though, it could soon be curtains for this less-than-loved-up pair.
Level of fed up: 6/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 7/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Ordering each other Deliveroo for their weekly virtual date night. Entering a Zoom quiz together but struggling with the tech (“We’re not cheating! We’re just conferring our answers!”). Arguing over LinkedIn during work hours.
3. The couple + family
Retreating to her parent’s house in the burbs was a no brainer for these lockdown lovers. With him on furlough, though, he’s now having more of a relationship with her mum and spends his days hanging out, going with her to do the shopping, and splitting the cooking duties. The new duo even have their own WhatsApp conversation with a solid stream of GIFs and private jokes. Freaky Friday anyone?
Level of fed up: 2/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 4/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Instigating ergonomically challenging bedroom-floor sex so they’re not overheard by the sibling downstairs.
For him - Unwittingly suggesting playing the board game that caused a huge family feud at Christmas. Being drunkenly quizzed by the parents as to what sets their child apart from previous partners.
For her - Explaining why it isn’t safe for the family to play Monopoly anymore.
4. The new couple
They met on Hinge, they dated for two weeks, and now they’re shacked up until further notice. At first it was a laugh; why not lockdown with your new, hot, non-exclusive shag? After nine weeks and counting, however, the novelty has more than a little worn off - much like the paint on the 1000 piece puzzle they ordered (and completed) around week three.
Level of fed up: 8/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 9/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Sex. (NB It is possible that this is their only lockdown activity. Having realised they have nothing in common, there is little else with which to pass the time.)
5. The first-time parents
Behind closed doors this enthusiastic pair of newbie parents are loving lockdown and the opportunities it is giving to show off their new-born. With a constant stream of social media updates (‘Baby’s First Lockdown Poo! Baby’s First Lockdown Feed! Baby’s First Lockdown Sleep!’) on baby’s dedicated Instagram page, they’re that couple you desperately wish to unfollow. Every time you go to do it, however, their latest offering provides you with that most soothing of social media reminders: you might be sad, single and alone - but at least you’re not them.
Level of fed up: 3/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 1/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Stalking Mumsnet for the latest scientific advice. Posting long, emoji-filled messages about how ‘ahmaaaazing’ midwives and the NHS are on Facebook, whilst secretly thanking their stars every day that ‘we have BoJo and not that commi-Corbyn leading us through this mess’.
6. The second, third or even fourth time parents
Simultaneously thrilled at having the kids back in the family nest, but also livid they’re suddenly food shopping for five, when it comes to children these parents have seen and done it all. With offspring ranging anywhere from five to thirty-five years old, they are constantly mixing up their names with those of the dog. Despite their protestations, these parents are in love with having the family back together and secretly hope lockdown is extended indefinitely.
Level of fed up: 4/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 2/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Getting their kids to set them up on Houseparty. Creating a local ‘volunteers of...’ WhatsApp group and organising a grand total of 0 volunteering. Judging the neighbours’ choice of crockery during Clap for Carers. Drinking Chardonnay for breakfast.
7. The grandparents
It’s a tale of two cities when it comes to the over-70s. Camp A locks themselves inside, sticks pass agg notes to the front door (‘PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THE GATE’) and speaks to the postman through the letterbox. Camp B carries on life as normal, popping out thrice a day and telling the younger (and enraged) family members: “it’s really not that bad, we’ve been having Jean and Terry round for tea every Tuesday”.
Level of fed up: 5/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 5/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Saying “this is nothing compared to the war”.
8. The singleton
They’re bored, they’re horny, they’re running out of time - and they won’t let you forget it. When not singing along to London Grammar’s Wasting my Young Years or re-reading Eat Pray Love, they’re most likely to be found stalking dating apps or sliding into the DMs of someone from school they’ve not spoken to for six years who, despite being a solid 4/10, is nearby (they’re both isolating at their parents’) and therefore provides the most potential for a ‘socially distanced’ shag.
Level of fed up: 10/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 9/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Swiping through Hinge/Happn/Tinder/Plenty of Fish (she ain’t fussy). Talking non-stop on the gal’s WhatsApp group about how many boys she plans to snog in Infernos once this is over. Bulk ordering crop tops from Boohoo for exactly this moment.
9. The recently broken up
Everything is a reason to wallow in their woeful, unfinished (they believe) business of their ex - and lockdown is no different. From daily messages to their friends about how much they miss them, to stalking their ex on social media or finding ‘excuses’ to text them (The cat died! I thought they’d want to know!) it’s just one big pity party for this lovesick lockdowner. If you have one of these in your life then don’t make the mistake of asking them how they’re doing; it’ll only serve to give them an excuse to lay upon you their twenty-five point theory about why, if only they and their ex had made it to lockdown, it would have been the making of their relationship.
Level of fed up: 4/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 8/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Daydreaming about how well they would have tackled lockdown together. Drafting long, heartfelt texts to their ex and not sending them. Binge-watching Normal People and wondering if there is a dating app exclusively for sexy, emotionally unavailable boys in chains.
10. The expat couple
They were over online calls before they even really kicked off (remember Skype?) and don’t understand how everyone finds the tech so baffling (‘yeah, we know it’s gonna kick us out after 40 minutes, you can just log back in using the same link’). Though they’ll smugly spout to anyone who will listen that this ‘really isn’t any different for them as they only come back to the UK once a year anyway’, they’re actually really fucked off to be missing out on the lockdown comradery back home.
Level of fed up: 5/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 7/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Navigating conflicting time zones for Cheryl’s Hen, Grandma’s birthday and Pete’s 30th. Considering buying shares in Moonpig for all the money they’ve spent on missed occasion cards.
11. The virtual dater
They’ve been on ten Zoom dates a week since lockdown was announced and there’s no sign of letting up now. Even though they’re technically still single, they’ve got so many regular phone sex dates in with more people than they’re actually friends with, and are starting to think an actual, committed relationship would be less work.
Level of fed up: 5/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 6/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Getting dressed up from the waist up. Finding the best lighting in the house. Organising their bookshelf backdrop according to the calibre of their date.
12. Group of friends
Let’s not beat around the bush: these guys have absolutely smashed lockdown. Who wouldn’t want to be stuck in a five-bed in Brixton Hill for months on end with your best mates and patchy Wi-Fi whilst you all work from home? Arguments happen, of course they do, but with the homebrew bubbling away under the stairs and Darryl’s mum sending food parcels every weekend, it’s essentially one long, lockdown holiday for these renegades. Wish you were here.
Level of fed up: 0/10
Keenness to return to normal life: 0/10
Favourite lockdown activity: Building assault courses in the kitchen. Throwing spontaneous garden parties. Ordering expensive wine in bulk. Starting (but not establishing) a band.
Title image by Elise Vandeplancke, a freelance illustrator.
